I find this psychological issue interesting and feels that it concerns me, for I sense the imperfectionist in me which is active playing his role with my ego.
The report says that perfectionists can be divided into three types:
1. Self-oriented strivers who struggle to live up to their high standards and appear to be at risk of self-critical depression.
2. Outwardly focused zealots who expect perfection from others, often ruining relationships.
3. Those desperate to live up to an ideal they're convinced others expect of them, a risk factor for suicidal thinking and eating disorders.
Which type are you? Or rather which type you sense to be stronger in you? For me, I've all three types in me, and the strongest in me is the 1st, then 3rd and least strongly is 2nd.
So what if you've high expectations? Is it wrong? Professor Gordon Flett from York University said, "It's when it generalises to other areas of life like home-life, appearance and hobbies, that you begin to see real problems."
One characteristics of a perfectionist is they've a certain logic which is so called 'All or nothing'. Which is for instance given a task, he'll either do it until he's satisfied which is from a high standard results OR if he can't do it till the got that results, he'll give up(if he'd started the task) or reject the idea at all(if he haven't start the task). A perfectionist finds it hard to accept 'reasonable' or 'well-to-do' results. If they don't get A1, they'll never go back to study ever again.
The link below is a perfectionism test. Feel free to check it out. My score is 82%. Very very high degree of perfectionism.
http://discoveryhealth.queendom.com/perfectionism_abridged_access.html
I shall speak about myself, a perfect example of a perfectionist.
One of my habit related to this issue is, when I watch dvd, I must have the subtitle on and keep rewinding it after every 10-30 seconds of the scene, especially on subtle parts such as small converations or during the transitions where to scene just change to another one. There'll be a voice in me that keep prompting questions and is very hard to be satisfied until I've watched every scene, every second perfectly, vividly. I took double the lengthtime of the movie to watch finish it. Sometimes I couldn't stand myself and shout it out loud 'Stop it!' It works a little but not fully.
The above example is an illustration of a behaviour known as 'Complusive-obsessive behaviour'. Whereby one will keep doing the same thing repeatedly until he feels satisfied and ready to move on. This behaviour, when it's at the extreme, can be very irritating, unproductive and can make one impulsive. If it causes one to exhibit embarassing habits, it'll draws the confidence level all the way down.
It's break time and time for lunch. My classmates are looking at each other, while i'm telling them let's go eat(since they all will want to eat), and by the time I ask finish everyone, 'Where are we going to eat now?' and when I suggested a place to eat, and I still don't get a clear response from anyone or everybody's just still not walking towards any canteen, or when I receive answers that doesn't answer anything such as 'Dunno...' or 'See how lor...' I get very irritated, angry and impulsive. I'll just disappear from the rest and walk away and find other friends for lunch or eat by myself. I'm aware of this issue in me, that of impatience, impulsiveness, and of course, perfectionism. I've tried to improve on it by walking around first instead of asking them, and then when they themselves had finalise on a decision then I joined them.
This example is one of rigidity. Ways in which one seeks for orderliness, just like perfection. It makes me quite anti-social and outcast. This works interchangeably with another issue of acceptance; accepting oneself and others. This is something like type 2. Whereby one expect perfection from others too. And why my relationships are not always successful.
During the first term in chemical engineering, I struggled with mathematics. So I feel very down, and the perfectionist in me begins to work and says, ' since its very difficult for me to do well in this course, might as well call it quits.' And after that, I just lose all interest in studies and subsequently the thought of leaving the course came, and at same time thought that if I change to a course I like, I'll do well in it. During those days, I was depressed and have very low self-esteem because I'm not doing something that I can do well enough so that I can be satisfied with myself.
And that's what 'All-or-nothing' is all about. It leads to pessimism, when one meets with a big problem and judge that in the future it'll still not be solved if it can't be solved now. It leads to immobilization, due to the extreme fear of failure, which cause one to resist the idea of putting in effort in improve the situation. It leads to depression, because of the constant need of 'perfection' yet knowing that I can't do that well to reach for it. It leads to low self-esteem because I always feel like a loser since I can't meet my expectation.
Last time when I bodybuild, I sabotaged myself with this 'All-or-nothing' effect. I gave myself a period of time to attain a certain goals. And when I didn't reach it at the end of the period, I gave up completely and get by to my own eating habits. And the idea of change has becomes an idea of failure. Therefore it cause me to lack motivation to start any plans to change in the future. If I don't see immediate results, I'll get very demoralised and disappointed and I'll stop all the workouts totally and get into the blues all over again.
What is it like, having all three types altogether? Relationships is a good example to begin with. I have an expectation for my friends which is I expect them to agree with me most of the time. But always because of some other reasons, they react diferently from what I expected, and when it is against or not aligned with my expectations, I'll get very upset and got the 'all-or-nothing' mindset taking over. I'll always find out why and direct all possibilites towards me, when most of the case, the main reason is because of the other party themselves.(Because people do things not because of someone but for themselves.)
Changing the scope to let's say, going after the girl I like. It is a combo of type one and two. Before I decide to chase, I'll judge myself upon a set of agreements or criteria. It's like a checklist before you go to camp, for instance. I have only 4 shirt to spare but the camp is five days long and the checklist put 5 shirts. Just because I do not have 5 shirts to fit into the list and fear that on the last day I'll stink and turn off others, so I decided not to attend the camp. It happens that weight is on the check list. So similarly, just because I do not have the ideal physique and fear that I'll be a turn-off, due to the extreme fear of rejection, decided not to go for it. The greatest fear of a perfectionist is failure/rejection. And because of that we hold ourselves back when we want to go ahead. And that causes the tension of opposites, just like how Mr. Morrie had put it. Regarding type 2, 'desperate to live up to an ideal they're convinced others expect of them'. It's really self-inflicted suffering because no one created the judgement list for us but ourselves. This is a point which proves that it is always ourselves who creates the our own suffering and not the outside.
Law of Reflection is really very true, looking at my own experience to learn from. It I can't even accept myself, how can I expect others to accept me? And how can I accept others. From here, you can see that Perfectionism is a 'Traitor advisor of the Emperor'. It led the man think astray such that he'll drift further away from success and happiness, without him knowing that the problems lies within his palace.
I feel that my thought gets straighten up when I share out my problems and issues. Whoever you are, thank you for reading.
