It's just so depressing...

Ever since the 2nd week of school for this term, my mind hasn't had much peace. One problem after another. One trauma after another. Day by day, it just get worse. Day by day, it weigh me down. Parents, grandpa, friends, projects, term tests, and most of all myself. These are the various tools, episodes, opportunities for various aspects and lessons; loveability, courage, priotization, forgiveness, willingness, expectation, the four agreements, clarification, acceptance, discipline, mentality.

I just feel over-bearing. This time I didn't really hate myself very much, but I lack the willlingness and effort to move on. To sum it up, it is the act of paralysis in me which I find is the main aspect. As Hilarion pointed it out, it is the manifestation of my karma. Ways and which self-sabotage, self-judgment and stopping myself are happening to me. This is the root of who I am today.

As my life coach put it, "If you want to know the past, to know what caused you, look at yourself in the Present, for that is the past's effect. If you want to know your future, look at your Present, for that is the cause of the future."

Who I am now, feeling depressed, overwhelmed, is cause by what I did and thought in the past. Who I am down the road, will be caused by what I do and think now. If I'm paralyse in the past, as well as now, my future will be the same as the past. This is what some called, the vicious downward spiral.

Initially, I have yet to straightened out my thought until very much later so, because I was too depressed to think of whatever thought I have. Somehow, the idea of 'chicken and egg' came out of nowhere.

Which came first? Chicken or the egg? It's somewhat analogous to my issues. Is it my paralysis that makes me unwilling and therefore come problems, or is it my unwillingness cause more problems and hence paralysis.

The underlying concept of the chicken and egg is the idea of 'circular cause and consequence'. The concept of the cause which leads to the consequence leads back to the cause, in which case serves at a circulatory function. When this phenomena prolongs and deepens the problem, it forms a spiral going downwards.

One day I discussed with my mentor, having to learn that a problem and its solution is very separate. The whole picture is the issue itself, which encompass the problem and solution. This is somewhat hard to digest and apply, because, to find the solution within the problem is, not easy.

I feels that I'm in the middle of a place which I'm stuck in, and I've no idea of where am I. And I'm analysing, interpreting, measuring, experimenting, rationalizing my surroundings, hoping to know why I'm stuck, how to get out of this place, what is this place, where am I currently whether I'm near the exit, when will I get out of this place. Trying to make sense of the thing I'm in. I don't know, I can't put it in language, the thought is really mind-boggling, and to have a disorganized thought disorder, it is even more challenging.

Having seen the view of the primary level, I've look at it at the secondary level, the mechanics.

There's a fable about a fox, which upon failing to reach for the grapes hanged high up on the tree branch, said, "The grapes are sour anyway!". This lies in the concept of Rationalization. Sigmund Freud categories it as a form of defense mechanism, whereby a person uses his intellect to find consolation or justification so as not to experience the emotions which are hurtful or unwanted.

It is believed that rationalization is the outcome of cognitive dissonance, which represents the uncomfortable tension resulting from two conflicting thoughts. Apparently, I've yet discover more about this and will have to explore the relationship between these two concepts. But, the experience of this tension is very familiar to me. It explain why, I say and agree on something and do otherwise: double standardness.

The relation moves on, like a spectrum, or rather, something like a archery board. I couldn't describe it well, because the pattern seems to possess many levels but it also seems like all of it is of equality whereby it all comes together as a package instead of like a staircase. Well, as disturbing as it may sound, I come across myself as having the symptoms of schizophrenia. Ways and which, delusions, disorganised speeches and thoughts and sometimes hallucinations. Holding on to beliefs, which are already proven wrong or false, difficulty communicating and sometimes speaking condradictingly, defensively, offensively and even speaking what I don't want to speak about.

I've learn that it may be caused by childhood, whereby I've been exposed to 'double bindness'. It is a situation which the receiver receives contradictory messages from the other end. Instances whereby a mother claims to love her son, yet threatens or punish him, whilst the son receiving two different message at different communcative levels. And because a young child couldn't understand what is contradiction and therefore doesn't know how to respond. A child lose its ability to return love. As he grows, the issue grows too, branching out to more issues.

Having being exposed to double bindness at a frequent level, schizophrenia develops. Which give rise to cognitive dissonance and then rationalization and others which I've yet found out. What I'm doing right now, blogging this out, and finding this and that, may be considered a form of consolation and rationalization, it doesn't really solve the problem, or rather, haven't solve the problem.

Last week, I cried alot; in school during lecture and breaks, during buses. The most was when I visited my grandma's ashes last sunday. When I saw her photo ever since ten years ago, I cried out loudly, in front of my relatives. Well, most of the time I could held back my tears due to ego but that time I couldn't held any longer. It didn't stop for that day. From then on when I recalled her photo, I'll cry. In fact, tears are coming out right now while I'm typing this. The thing is I've a blurred idea of why I'm crying. I couldn't understand this part of myself. I remembered that druing her funeral which lasted for 7 days, I did not ever cried once at the funeral during the night, but I recalled vividly crying out of sudden when I was in primary school in class. Really out of sudden, whining 'my grandma had passed away'. I've always believed that I'd caused her suicide, because having to lived with my grandparents ever since I was born, and suddenly my parents brought me home. The next day, she's gone. I was primary two then. And now ten years later, the grieve reappeared in which I couldn't control my emotions.

My term test results was demoralising. I was very upset by it. Although I improved by failing just one instead of two, as well as scoring higher than before, I thought I could have done better.

I also felt friendless. No one else to talk to but a few. Like for my class, I kind of feel inferior because I don't seems to fit into any of the cliques. And even my new friends, I seems to feel that I'm a stranger to them. It is this issue which I identified with circular cause and effect as mentioned above. It is something like a self-fulfilling prophecy too. Between my antisocial behaviour and my friendship with others. Fear of rejection which ultimately leads to the subject of the fear.

Sometimes I just wish that I can replay my life, see how I live and correct my mistakes. Because I realise most of the time I'm doing what I don't want to do, being who I don't want to be, and I don't know what I'm doing. A lost child.

One of my resolutions stated below is to keep the number of bad days low. I hope after this period, I'll have good days all the way.