Test

I'm feeling Disappointed+Angry+Sad+Embarassed+ Give myself a punch+Amused.

To sum it up- F*cked Up!

And that's because I've just completed my PIPC II(Principles of Inorganic and Physical Chemistry) term test 20 minutes ago. A test that is 40marks and a question that requires drawing a graph that is worth 37.5% of the whole paper(15 marks).

And that graph is on the the topic of Chemical Kinetics. I've practically studied and memorised all the damn equations- Rate Law, First Order, Second Order, Arrhenius Equation. It so happens that the easiest came out- Rate Law.

Sidetrack abit, during last week's lecture, my lecturer gave everyone a chart. Apparently, he screwed up and typed the whole paper wrongly. At first, he changed the variable one by one, equation by equation. And I follow suit on my piece of paper. At first he didn't told us the whole paper is wrong! So I edited on all equations EXCEPT THE RATE LAW!!!

The bottom line is, I memorised the WRONG THING!!! I screwed up my x-axis and y-axis on a graph that's worth 15marks!!! It's all my fault for not listening fully during the lecture, as well as verifying it. And I wonder how serious an effect can be just by a small cause!!!

I'm feeling so fucked up that I distant myself from my friends and rush my way out of the exam room.

I dare say I'm 98% prepared for the test, and the other 2% is not that I didn't prepare for it but I memorised the wrong facts! And this 2% is worth 15marks! I just feeling like giving myself a jab on the face!

One of my biggest weakness is that whenever I put in alot of effort and target high expectation, and I don't get the result, I gives up and is 'resisted' to the idea again. In the case of academic, I studied very hard and aim for A, and when I don't get the result, I feel very upset and then, I am 'resisted' to studying hard ever again. This issue arises since very young, and I supposed it does not derived from academic issues but in other issues such as relationships. For instance, when a child behaves intimately with his mother and suddenly she scolds him, and from then on, the child finds it very hard for himself to be intimate again.

Why is it so? Now we're talking psychology! We have two factors to consider, (New Brain/Old Brain) and (Subconscious/Conscious).

The New Brain is basically a part of our brain called the Cerebral Cortex. It is this part that make up superior than animals. It is the root of intelligence, and where the sixth sense lies- Logic. It's purpose is to rationalize and interpret whatever that's outside from what it perceives from the other five senses. It's called the New Brain as it first formed millions of years after mammals had since existed.

The Old Brain is a combination of the the stem cell and limbic system. It is found in all reptiles and mammals and is sometimes known as the 'Reptilian Brain'. It's main purposes is Self-preservation and Reproduction. Of course there's more to it, but I shall not elaborate further.
In this context, we shall define the purpose of the Old Brain as 'reaching out for the maximum comfort possible.'

So, when an action was done and the response is very bad. The New Brain will begin its function and interpret it. But it can interpret that it's bad because the Old Brain tells it so by instinct. Because the response upset the comfortness of the body and the Old Brain needs to do its job by preventing it from happening again. So after the New Brain has interpreted, it sends the message to the Old Brain so that whenever similar situation happens again, it will send signals to the body to resist the situation. So when one trys to carry a hamster for the first time, and was bitten by it, it is highly possible that that person is 'allergic' to carrying a hamster for then on.

I'm running out of time because I still have to study for my next test.

So to cut things short, the subconscious, having a collective and multi-dimensional nature, will register the incident, the cause, effect, interpretation. It is collective to the extend of past-lives as well. Hence, it is an issue of old habit patterns. Whereby a particular issue manifests itself into the life continuity until its solved so that the lesson can be learnt or the karma is balanced. The problem lies in itself- unconscious. If you're so aware of an issue, it wouldn't be under unconscious at all! So the first step is awareness. And this is what spirituality is all about- Know Thyself.

I'll try my best to break this vicious cycle.