First Choice

Was it my real choice? I put it as my first choice indeed. But ever since Day 1 I haven't been enjoying the lessons much. It wasn't a wise and smart choice. In fact, looking at things in a clearer way. I didn't choose for myself. I choose it for my attachments; money, family, future, guidance, help, opportunities, and so forth.

I could earn alot of money! I'll have a bright future! Don't worry, you'll have all the help from the lecturers and tutors! My family will be proud to have me in this course! All this are but illusions that convince me to choose this course.

Illusions are merely illusions. They ain't motivations at all! But both looks so alike that I mistaken both of them since the beginning. I thought I'd motivation and zest to push me forward, but rather I was deceived and it was illusion that shrouded me throughout the first semester.

Never had i really fully question my interest. Is is really chemistry that i've passion for? I just let myself being carried away by my illusions. I've search deep inside me and I've found out that there's something which I've a bigger passion for.

I underestimated difficulties, or rather, in denial. Knowing how calculations and maths isn't my cup of tea, it still couldn't bypass the illusion that those subjects could be done easily. Indeed I wasn't totally prepared to face my fear of maths....

During that semester, I lived by the mistakes by focusing on the minor rather than the major. I got involved in many cca. I have three cca! PACESetters, Toastmasters and Red Cross. I'm going to drop one soon. And will not skip any lectures to go back to my unit in Broadrick anymore. Moreover, I even worked during school days! I'll spend the whole night in the airport and attending lectures and labs the next morning, just to earn a few hundred bucks.

And i've been a real lazy bum. Tutorials and lecture notes are like flyers to me. It's just like those on the streets giving out flyers. I took it, though I don't throw them in the bin, I don't bother much about them, until when the lecturers go through the tutorials. I'll always end up as a photocopier when it comes to doing pre-lab assignments. Copying and copying happily. Well I do study for my test and quiz, but most of them are surprise quiz which I don't know when it'll just pop up! And I'll end up doing the paper with a mental block. I used to hate Maths lecture and Organic Chem lecture. Well, it's not the lecturers fault but I couldn't accustom to them. Most of the time I'll skip their lectures. In fact, I'd hate Maths more if I attend his lecture. Either way I'll end up failing. I'd have to thank my 2-mnth old O level A Maths book and one of my classmate who helped me alot. Thank you. Without it and her, I'd probably score worse. And there's Mass Balance and Inorganic Chem lectures. Well I do attend them regularly but I often doze off. What's worse is this, I've someone whose specialise in Chem and coached me, and gave me alot of materials which most of my friends don't have! How fortunate am I! Yet I still screwed up! Really really disappointed that I didn't make full use of what I have and taking it for granted. I would be in a position far better than the current one had I been more serious. When one of my classmate brought his 'big' organic chemistry book of his to school, and lent me 'unwillingly' when I requested for it, I felt that I'm more well-off than him. But why did he do much better than me? It's because I'm not serious enough. I'd always persuade myself that I'm someone who don't have A Maths and pure Chem background and made myself feel better, and don't compare myself directly to most of my classmates.

All these chunks of what cause my downfall, ain't the real reasons. I've looked deep inside, and realise that those are just manifestation of the real reason which is hidden inside. The real reason is that all the while I'm in the so-called 'shut-down mode' as mentioned in the previous post. And of course, there are underlying reasons that brought about the existence of this mode. In order for me to change for the better, I need to realise what it is, and to be able to 'wake-up'.